night of the fourth

Posted on | November 5, 2006 | No Comments

i thought i would write the happiest poem of all today.today i heard your voice and i am happy.happier than any other thing would make me.one hundred and fifty nine whole seconds of hearing your voice;so what if it was banalities only?
but now,when i seek to put to paper and pen my happiness,to express what i really feel,,why do i find that all that is left inside is a sea of roaring,crashing sadness?what makes me feel that i spoke to you and relost a world that was already lost?
maybe it is the death of hope,for i know that there is no hope,that there can be no hope.but i knew that earlier also.but then again;today drove home the point.what a few bytestreams floating down from satellite beams can not conceal,,that there is no hope for me.or for us.
we were never destined to be,and you chose it to be thus.and i,the one who claimed so arrogantly that there could be happiness without hope,hear now the hollowness of my own words ringing through my claims.
“we are our saddest poems”,i proudly proclaimed,and the mad adrenaline rush of writing something percieved to be good(all my writings are good;aren’t they?),i did not realise that i was speaking aloud my own truth,that i was being prophetical.
i am my oracle,and i am my destiny,and without you,my destiny is just the mire and grime of the drains i disgorged my future to.but we do not choose our own destinies…and i have been lamenting many things for many lives;what is one more.may whatever god there is;whosoever’s god he be,destine that there is a future for you,at least.they say the blessings of the doomed are never false,if that be the case then let mine go with you always.
and yet i live in a fool’s paradise.let me wakeup every morning to the sopund of your voice,even though in actuality,it be nothing more than a few streams of data swirling through the mad,mindless confusion of satellite transmission.and again,i shall dance in the rain,only that there shall be no rain..again i shall float with the clouds,hum with the bees..again i shall………..
but even that small mercy id denied me,for socially,would not talking to you everyday be imposing on you?no let me keep my distance,let me keep you happy.
but through unspoken joy to unexpressed sorrow,from the melancholy of the withered leaf to the ecstacy of the blossoming bud,i can experience everything;and you can not rob me of my right.

for good or bad,i love you,and will continue doing so.

it is hell.i enjoy it.

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