disaffectation

Posted on | August 2, 2008 | Comments Off

there seems to be this morbid depression that i can never stop talking about.i am happy and i am depressed.i am sad,and i am depressed.i am working,resting,drinking,eating…u name it.this place has been a disappointment,to say the least.we claim to be the best,and we stifle any creative thought,rewarding mediocrity instead.not that i am any different.i am a very mediocre person,i admit.not one away from the crowd.but that doesnt make it any less depressing.the stuff that we present,that things that we talk about…and we try to hide all that under the carpet of rankings.we take courses to weave back-up nets,and then we talk about being entrepreneurs,we like profs who give good grades for the term,and after the term is over,we curse them for not having taught enough,we like profs who let us do whatever we want,and go easy on us,and then we do substandard work and then,later,blame them for not pushing us enough,or for being bad teachers when the reality is simply that we have been bad students…and we dont get depressed about all this.we blame others for hiding behind our facades,and we are happy.unfortunately,i do all of that,and am still unhappy.i was schooled in pretty mediocre schools,went to a college that was considered one of the best of its kind and still was full of crap,and had hoped that i would get some really brilliant company in here…u see,i bought all the crap they sell about india’s top schools and toughest exams…and we are all full of shit!!!still…

what i hate most about this place is that people(most,not all.and most,of course,includes me) do not even try to understand the questions before they begin to answer them,or formulating their critiques of the questioner.neither are we encouraged to question things.i wonder whatever happened to old fashioned study in which you really thought about what you were studying and maybe sometimes,agreed or disagreed enough to write margin notes on books you read.these days we say they DEFACE the books,of course,not that many people read them.i thought that beautified the book.at least it showed that you had not only read the book,but also tried to understand it.of course things are different in the age of .pdf,i guess.you do not understand anything,you classify it as stupid without bothering your grey cells.of course,i am being charitable and assuming that since you are here you have some grey cells after all,else the fate of this country is in serious peril,if its BEST are….you do not do your research fully,and formulate judgements.you do not understand the things you are talking about but still will choose not to stay silent.brilliance shines through.and so you self contradict.tautological fallacies abound.but who cares.after all,neither business nor life is not supposed to be run by logic or common sense.it can only be run by equations.and so when tomorrow,your son will come to ask you for help in writing an evaluation of Neruda or Plath, you will probably classify them as dumb poets because they did not follow the framework of the iambic pentameter.data and information.since you cannot understand it,it is stupid.and since you can not measure it,it does not exist.

i came to make a career,and though this college will not give me a life,it will give me a career,of whatever sort.disaffection.it is a dangerous disease.cannot stand crap,but will spew crap nevertheless.people say i am reclusive.angry.i only try to stay apart because i am not sure of myself still.and the old violent streak is raising its head again.during the jog today,some bastard on a bike said something unpleasant.wanted to stop him and rip his throat apart from his neck.but i can not be violent anymore.past six years,i guess have been living in CIVILIZED places.a place where if u punch the wall in anger,your dearest friends think for six months that you are unbalanced.so kind of them.fuck.i try to keep myself on a very tight leash,but violence flares up.cant help it.shit!!!why cant i simply buy the lies?

Update(3rd March,2010): of course, in this post, i was aggrieved about the ad hominem arguments)

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