driftwood

Posted on | August 16, 2008 | Comments Off

something is taking over me, and somehow the days seem to pass to fast and yet in a sort of blurred slow motion which rises all around me,engulfing me in its almost palpable sickly sweetness which makes cigarettes taste burnt on the tongue and life…well…life just seems…like i am a spectator in a ring side seat as well as the bum who is getting the pounded to death in the ring.it feels strange to watch idly as your life just drifts around you,as aimless as you feel,and somehow,indifferent to it all,you just light up another cigarette and let it….well..drift.

sometimes it feels strange that everything has not yet fallen apart,sometimes you wish it would,at least there would be some release,but at the same time you also realise that it is not all about release,that life is not some sexual marathon where the release is the all important thing.and so you begin to think in terms of big words like purpose and destiny and all that crap and then you know you are up shit-creek without a paddle.because there is none anyways,and you realise that you were always the bum you always feared you were,that your existence is as insignificant as your nonexistence is,and that you might as well be dead for all the difference it would make to the world.and you know that it sociopathic,because there are people out there who love and care for you,but you cannot see the point of it all,because you think that it is all fucking pathetic.you begin to think that love is dirty word,and so is life,both four letter words,and so,you sink deeper in the crap that is unfolding all around you,taking you over flowing over you spreading all over like a gutter that is overflown and so you begin to drift in it like scum,because you dont know no better because you dont have no purpose.because you are just…driftwood.flotsam.rejected by someone.thrown away,in the search of greatness,which is a worse concept than forty thousand nightmares all packed into one hour of one night,each one of a different man so you realise that you not just scared,you dont know why you are scared.because you are disconnected.you cannot even recognise you nightmares.and so you open your eyes,and start humming to yourself,telling yourself again and again “everything is all right everything is all right” and you begin to hope that everything is really all right because you are fucking doomed if it is not,and it is not.

so what do you do next?where does a stranger in a strange land go?

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