Rings of Smoke

These poems do not live: it's a sad diagnosis.

deja-vu

Posted on | December 2, 2008 | 4 Comments

at last,the dissertation is done.worked through night to get it done.i think i must have slept at least five hours in the past 72 odd-so want to sleep now…but have classes till 9:15 in the night.may be i will get some sleep in the day sometime, maybe after 4,but i have to go get the damn thing bound, get a haircut (my hair at this moment of time are longer than they have ever been in my life,and considering that i have to go home in 12 days,a haircut by a proper barber seems a great idea compared to dad setting to with a pair of scissors)…and i have to start working on that goddamned scp project tonight  :(

after much pain the dissert is done,i even got it printed though i have not yet shown the final draft to my advisor…but i guess he will do well to see the final submission.an eighty-four page monstrosity,it is,i am glad to report,not a work of exceptional academic brilliance (that would have been horrible and detestable),though it is exceptional in that i managed to get it done at all,and that too four days ahead of the deadline,after having given up hope, too many times to count, of ever finishing it in time.have lost count of sleepless nights spent poring over abstruse papers and typing…the thought that nobody will ever read it is a pity and a relief at the same time-pity considering the amount of work that went into it,relief that the mediocrity will never be revealed to anyone. or maybe a paper or two will come out of it…though the work to be put in that repels me right now.

i feel almost dead,but right now,after the culmination of three months work,i guess i should have felt some joy…if not exhilaration…perhaps it is not as bad a work as i fear…instead,all i feel is a profound sense of deja-vu…so what if the dissert is done…another project looms..and then another…and then couple more…and then another…meaningless papers…valueless projects that will never be any use to anyone, and if applied,would probably create more problems than they would solve…just the grind…just the grind.

will write more about the dissert…something which has occupied so much of three months of my life cannot be let pass so easily without note…but not right now…now i am too tired for words,too sleep-deficient for sleep,and too disenchanted for inspiration.right now,i dont want to sleep.i just want to lie down on my bed and die.

current music: the four horsemen (metallica)

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4 Responses to “deja-vu”

  1. aandthirtyeights
    December 2nd, 2008 @ 5:44 pm

    first, i see richa has struck here also :P

    second, things that take a long time to finish, for me at least, are accompanied by a feeling of relief than anything else. the joy comes in only on reflection…

  2. sandeip
    December 2nd, 2008 @ 7:28 pm

    @aandthirtyeights

    yup@richa…i have had a few from siliconwhatever…but i spammed it…this lady apparantly,tho…as you say@struck…is the femme fatale :P

    yes…there was some relief…but not much…contemplating the immediate future…and nearly 10 hours after writing the post and having had all of one hour’s sleep…i still feel the same deja-vu and futility…only change is…i have a headache not to make it worse :)

    but its been delivered for binding,and tomorrow it will be submitted and done with…maybe then i will feel the joy :)

  3. Sharanya
    December 2nd, 2008 @ 11:42 pm

    congrats :) u should feel all relieved and happy for finishing it. Atleast you are done, am still fight maroing….make it ‘trying to fight’, coz i am reading and commenting on blogs even as the clock ticks away :D :D :( :(

  4. sandeip
    December 3rd, 2008 @ 1:08 am

    hehe@sharanya…i am sure you will do very well,as you do every place else :)

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