Rings of Smoke

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Dear Obsessive Compulsive Facebook User

Posted on | August 24, 2009 | 1 Comment

Dear Obsessive Compulsive Facebook User,
We understand that you love Facebook and are really hooked into it. We also understand that you probably think that online Social Networking is the coolest thing to happen to the world since Scientology, but please do the world a favor and change your behavior slightly so that we may ALL enjoy social networking as much as you do-after all, WE are your social network. A few helpful pointers to get you started on the way:
1.    Quizzes: You know, we understand that you have all the time in the world, and  given a choice, would spend most of the time doing quizzes on FB (you probably already do that). Unfortunately, some of us don’t have all the time in the world, and even if we had, wouldn’t spend all of it on FB. Most of us log on to FB for maybe half an hour a day, to check up on what our friends are doing, if there are any interesting things they are up to, if anyone of them has changed their numbers, or is relocating and so on. What we don’t log on to see is that you took a quiz trying to find out your mental age, and the result was that you have a mental age of a fourteen year old. We don’t need a stupid quiz result to know that, we already knew it. The fact that you took the quiz for confirmation is just proof (if any were needed)- I would say the mental age of an autistic fourteen year old, but I do not mean to disrespect any people suffering that unfortunate condition. And as for the IQ quiz you took to get a result of “Genius”- I mean, wake up and smell the coffee!! Get real, mate!!! You might say it is none of my business, but if you really wanted it to be none of my business, you would have hit the “SKIP” button when that dumb quiz offered to post your results to your wall.

2.    Games: Same as above. We understand that Facebook has really cool applications which beat the shit out of, say, going for a walk in the evening, instead of spending time hunched in the pale glow of a monitor, do so by all means. But please, please- I log on once a day, and a friend of mine posts his new number or his intention to visit my city- I do not wish to pass through a hundred yards of junk notifications on my wall to have to find that information-or worse, miss it. Use SKIP.

3.    The How Well Do You Know XYZ Quiz: To those who draft such quizzes- Do you also keep a mirror inside your laptop bag and look into it 72 times a day for three minutes each? If not, maybe its time you did. Why would I wish to know what flavor of icecream you favor of which bollywood actress you fantasize about?!! To those who take these quizzes- Congratulations.

4.    Arbit Friend Suggestions: A, who is the best of friend of the fourth Girlfriend of D who is the Fourth cousin of Y who was your classmate in Standard III might be the coolest person left on earth since Michael Jackson died-but why would I want her on my network? If you really have to give an arbit friend suggestion, at least give an introduction with it so I know who I am supposed to add to my network.

5.    Arbit Challenges to even more arbit games: You might think that “Cut the Pig to Make it Fly” is a very good game and is awesome fun, and that some of your friends might enjoy playing it- it still doesn’t justify you sending a challenge to your entire network. I don’t intend to make a pig fly, and I don’t intend to get a cluttered wall on which I cannot find useful information, because of reasons stated in 1 and 2. STOP being a moron.

6.    Friends for Sale: Really?!!

I know that this does not apply to most of you out there, you are mostly sane and sensible people, and sometimes, some of you do all these things. But sometimes. This is not directed to you.

A lot of you are very interesting people who share very interesting stuff on FB which makes the whole experience worthwhile. Keep doing it, you make sifting through all the junk, worth it. Most of you are networked because we are friends and we care about each others, we watch photos of dos you have been to, and take pleasure in the fun you had, we want to know when you change your location or change your phone number. We like it when you share your experience of a movie you watched. That is because we are friends. What we don’t care to know is “what romantic goddess you were in your last avatar”. I mean-GROW UP!!

Meanwhile, to the idiot who thinks that posting photographs and sonograms and details about the amniotic fluid consumption of your yet to be born baby, logged on with an account in the name of the baby is cool, and that FaceBook is being ugly by banning that account, and that “yet the surest way for a pedophile to find a kid would be to get a job at Facebook looking for kids’ accounts”- What are you insinuating, and do you know what you are speaking about before you open your mouth? Next you will be creating an account as your wife and telling the world how many months and years of work it took you to create that baby, with a detailed hour wise and minute wise breakdown for you network. No. thank you, We DON’T need that.

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Comments

One Response to “Dear Obsessive Compulsive Facebook User”

  1. magenta
    May 17th, 2010 @ 11:56 pm

    Phew!!

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