whiskey tango foxtrot

Posted on | October 30, 2009 | 3 Comments

I am troubled. Very deeply troubled. All the worries and disappointments of the past seven months are taking a toll now, and I am totally unable to concentrate on my work. I arrived at work two hours ago, and so far I have been unable to do an iota of work. I am just sitting here, and staring at the default blue screen of my laptop, and wondering what to do, where to go, who to talk to. That is one of the problems of being too much of a closed system. When Father feels lonely, He calls me. Who do I call?

I am surrounded by all the paraphernalia of the modern work environment, white formica coated desks arranged in neat little fake wood cubicles, fixed with their own desktops/laptops with people sitting in front of them, working, or pretending to, or worrying over their own personal troubles like I am- this whole thing, the adrenaline rush which came from work, the joy of doing something and actually knowing that it was producing results, and not just destined for some filing cabinet, reminds me of a bad dream today.

It seems like I am an ant in an anthill, one of a zillion ants who together carry grains, sugar, crumbs, the equivalent of three hundred times of my bodyweight, to be stored in some hoard, some larder, the fruits of back breaking labour, to be seen and never touched- destiny just seems to be a cosmic joke played by an unkind God who fulfils the wishes you have only to make them your worst nightmares. I think it is time I switched jobs. I think it is time I switched homes. I think it is time I switched lives. But probably the grass is always greener. In which case, I think it is time I died.

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